7 Things Objectively Better Than a Boyfriend This Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is just like a boyfriend. They’re both overrated, high maintenance issues that are forced on you by social expectations. Singles are happier, and these are things you can have that are so much better than a boyfriend:


1.Obligation free Valentine’s Day chocolate

Chocolate is always great, but the ones you get on Valentine come with an obligation. You need to accompany him to dinner, and listen to him blab for two hours about how his boss was a jerk or whatever. Our suggestion? Get your own chocolates, and eat them at home in your pyjamas while watching Netflix. Eat as many or as little as you want, without having to play someone’s mum.

Key benefit: Get to the best part of Valentine’s Day straight away. It’s like a vacation without having to bother with luggage.


2.A guitar

Guitars are better than boyfriends, and more so if you can’t play one. Because when you pick up a new hobby, you’ll actually be rewarded for the time invested in it. Easy to learn, hard to master (unlike boyfriend-handling, which is the opposite).

Key benefit: Anything you’re deluded into thinking you need a man, you can push it out of your head with a Taylor Swift anthem.


3.Reading or re-reading a Milan Kundera novel

Don’t even think of asking who Milan Kundera is. Okay fine, he’s the thinking, non-escapist counterpart to Paulo Coelho or Nicholas Sparks, and the best way to realise you don’t need this romance crap. Read it till two in the morning, while huddled in comfort.

Key benefit: Books don’t require you to nurse their bruised ego after a hard day, or complain that you won’t hang around watching football with their beer-swilling buddies.


4.An ice cream maker

Unlike most boyfriends, ice cream makers don’t get boring beyond the first month. Hence the need for the Zoku ice-cream maker, which just keeps on giving. You’ll never be disappointed by what you get out of it, unlike dating the average 21-year-old male.

Key benefit: Ice-cream, silly.


5.Having crumbs all over your bed or sofa, and no one to judge you for it

Although this isn’t 1952, men still have the mistaken impression that you have to be a domestic princess. Well forget that; everyone deserves to lie in bed (or on the sofa) and eat cookies while Netflix bingeing. And you can fix it in seconds the next morning, with this car vacuum.

Key benefit: You can make a mess without being judged. Ever.


6.Staying on the sofa the whole weekend

Maybe you don’t want to spend two hours on make-up, to go to that all night pool party. Maybe you don’t want to go to Zoukout and rub your face against someone’s sweaty armpit, and you think DJ Snake is legally a form of noise pollution. But does the average boyfriend ever think of that? No.

Here’s something objectively better: you can stay on the sofa all weekend, without anyone to judge you as boring.

Key benefit: You can actually recharge, like the weekend is meant for you to do.


7.Having the entire bed to yourself

No getting kicked off the bed, dealing with a blanket stealer, or being forced to curl up in your shrinking territory like a failing terrorist group. There are plenty of subtle advantages to having the whole bed; like not waking up with a week long neck cramp.

By the way, if you’re an ezbuy Prime member, you can get the entire bed shipped over for $2.99.

Key benefit: Snore, roll around, or even eat in bed and not clean up till tomorrow morning. Life is easier when you don’t have to impress someone 24/7.

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