7 Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts (That Are Great In Subtle Ways)

Some of us are born romantics. But some of us think that T-shirts with genitalia related jokes are the bomb when it comes to wedding gifts. For the people who are like that, we present a helpful list of things to always buy yourself, but never as Valentine’s day gifts.

1. These awesome fake roses

Present your loved one with these flowers, as gorgeous as they are plastic. And then explain that “Like these non-biodegradeable roses, my love for you will never fade”. But if you see her arm pull back, dodge. Or even better, just get some real flowers, because not being a miser during a once-a-year event shows sincerity.

On the other hand…

These fake roses are best to complement other things. Give a real bouquet, but you can use these plastic ones in the packaging of chocolate, for example; or to craft a personalised card. You can also buy a bunch and keep the spares to decorate the house a little.

2. This anti-bedmite vacuum cleaner for your bed

Bed mites are horrific skin parasites that make you itch, and may lay eggs and bacteria all over your eyes and mouth while you sleep. Don’t explain this during your romantic dinner, in an attempt to justify this gift.

On the other hand…

Most bed vacuums just suck (see what we did there?) Apart from noisily crumpling the sheets, they don’t thoroughly get rid of dirt and bed mites. You really want this vacuum instead if you have allergies; otherwise mites can have you or your partner sneezing and sniffling after 10 minutes in bed.

3. This excellent non-stick rice cooker

Great for cooking rice, and as protective headgear for when your valentine starts smacking you. Actually, you will get this same effect from mum if you buy this for mother’s day.

On the other hand…

Even if you’re unwise enough to buy this for valentine’s, you’ll be glad you did when the storm abates. You see, unlike those tiny non stick rice cookers that can feed maybe one anorexic supermodel, this one can cook truly massive quantities; and the rice still retains that light, fluffy quality. Also, it’s non-stick so you can clean it in half a minute.

4. Bondage gear

If there’s no prior agreement, we can almost guarantee this comes with a free restraining order.

On the other hand…

Let’s have an adult discussion here shall we? If you’re both into this it’s harmless… unless you get the wrong type of tape. Otherwise, when you peel the tape off someone’s eyebrows and lips are going to go with it. And it’s not really the kind of thing you want to have to explain to the doctor.

5. This fancy anti-acne soap

There are literally zero polite ways to tell another person “I’d like you to smell better”. But there are many ways to make that even more insulting, and that’s to point out the anti-acne label.

On the other hand…

This aloe plant acne soap is incredible. Just smell the thing: you’ll want to chuck it into your valentine’s day dinner dessert and eat it. Also, aloe is a herb that really helps with oily skin; and this is an option that won’t bankrupt you for a month.


6. This highly efficient exercise bike

You’d better use it for a few weeks yourself, before giving it to your significant other. That ensures you have the speed and stamina to run away, after your indirect “I think you’re fat, honey” statement.

On the other hand…

This exercise bike is fully adjustable, so you don’t feel like you’re perpetually sitting on a road cone. That’s kind of the first step to being able to work out for an hour or more. And due to the high quality alloys, you won’t be sitting on a creaky pile of rust after a just a year. When it comes to exercise equipment (or anything you vigorously use and sweat on), material quality counts.

7. This reliable sewing machine for novices

What better way to demonstrate that you have the mentality of an old school gentleman? Old school as in from 1892, and you’re alarmed that women are even allowed to wear pants. Well that’s the exact message you’ll send, should you choose this highly pragmatic gift.

On the other hand…

This basic, durable sewing machine will see a lot of use. It’s not as pricey as the high-end models (which have functions you’ll never need), but it’s not cheap crap that rattles itself apart either. Maybe just buy it for yourself; even an amateur can use this without stabbing themselves.

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